A Sensitive Heart

I will be the first to admit that I am a highly sensitive person.  Throughout my life, I’ve been oversensitive to all manner of things.  Various scents can adversely affect me.  I can easily taste differences in foods.  I am likely to be overcome by the moods of others and I can become overwhelmed with emotion just by listening to music.

Even a simple family movie night could be a disastrous event for me if the movie happened to feature a dog that dies, a mother who loses weight, or even a cartoon lion who loses his father.  Any of these types of situations could push me over the edge and cause me to cry.  And, no amount of biting my cheek, looking up at the ceiling, or checking my phone for messages could stop the tears that I knew were coming.  Ultimately, this would lead to my family asking me why I was so upset.   And for this, I do not have an answer. 

I don’t know why I’m such a sensitive person.  I don’t know why I will react as strongly to something poignant as I will to something as simple as a cell phone commercial.  But, I have come to believe that my heart was created with an extra-large capacity to feel.  That it is full to the brim and, therefore, it is prone to overflow.  It overflows at weddings.  And funerals.  At times of great excitement and at times of quiet solitude.

The interesting thing is this, I have spoken to my heart about these matters on many occasions.   I have cautioned my heart that it is too caring.  That it is entirely too sensitive to the feelings of those around us.    I have struggled with this my entire life and my heart and I have argued at great length about what is appropriate behavior in public, in church, and at work.  And, we have never agreed upon the matter. 

My heart thinks that it is fine to express itself at any time and in any place. Personally, I believe there are times and places for expressing one’s feelings.  In these struggles with my heart, however, I often find that I am on the losing end of the battle.  I have willed myself against my heart on countless occasions and yet it does as it pleases anyway. 

So, today I am calling a truce with my heart.  Today I am giving it free rein to do as it pleases.  To cry at all AT&T commercials and to well up and spill over at the slightest inclination.  I am a little nervous at the prospect of not controlling my emotions, however, since I have never been able to control them anyway, what have I got to lose?  

Maybe letting go and not trying to control the uncontrollable is exactly what I need to.  Maybe there is a reason for my supersensitivity.  Maybe I am supposed to be this way in a world that instructs us to keep our emotions under check.  To not get involved and to look the other way.

Maybe it’s up to people like me to show everyone that it’s okay to feel things.  That it’s far better to experience joy, excitement, love, and even things like sadness and regret, even if I must wear these emotions boldly on my sleeve.  That feeling and expression are a part of life.  

I am also giving up thinking that there is something wrong with me.  That I need to shake the connotation of weakness surrounding my inability to stop the flow of tears when I see injustice and hurt in the world.  It’s time to stop trying so hard to hide who I am and realize that I was created this way for a reason.  To view my ability to deeply empathize with others as a gift.

So, if the next time you see me, and my eyes are a little red, don’t be afraid to ask me if I have been crying.  The answer will probably be yes.  Don’t bother to ask me why, as I most likely will not have an answer for you.  Just know that I am one of those sensitive people whose heart often spills over.  That I am one of those people created strong enough to connect with the feelings of those around me and brave enough to show it.