Author: Barb

As a kid growing up, the highlight of summer was our annual trip to King’s Island.  We would spend an entire day at the amusement park riding all kinds of rides.  We would leave the house before daylight, arrive before the gates opened, and anxiously board the tram with teems of other early-arriving visitors.

Waiting in line for tickets was excruciating but not nearly as painful as listening to the long list of instructions from our parents about where to meet for lunch, etc.  Finally, the gates would open, and we would sprint through the park to the roller coaster to be the first in line. 

Even now, I feel a tingle of excitement as I sit at my keyboard and remember those days so many years ago.  Unlike my siblings, however, my favorite ride was not the roller coaster.  It was a ride that resembled a large wooden barrel about 15 feet across, with a movable metal floor. Riders would stand inside the barrel with their backs to the wall and it would spin, eventually gaining enough speed that centrifugal force would pin them to the wall, keeping them from falling even when the floor dropped out from below them.

To me, this was the most insane and out-of-control feeling in the world.  Spinning like mad, knowing the floor would drop at any moment and praying that I would stick to the wall when it did.   And although I had never fallen, the thought was always in the back of my mind.  Of course, I never did fall. I was glued to the wall by an unseen force that I did not understand.

Sometimes I feel like my life is like that ride from my youth.  Sometimes, spinning out of control.  Other times, feeling like the floor will drop out from beneath me at any moment. And most times wondering if it does, will I be able to keep my place on the spinning ride? 

In our often loud and chaotic world, however, it is important to remember that there is always a force greater than us.  It is always in control.  It holds us in place even though we don’t understand it.  It holds us steady.  It holds us up even when we feel we are slipping and about to fall.

It has taken me some time to realize that we must relax into this invisible force.  Let it guide us and hold us.  Let it calm our minds and open our hearts.  And, know that, even if we can’t feel it or see it or understand it, it is there.  And, if we can give it our attention, we can come to know it as a place of rest.  We can come to know it as a place of peace when we are tired and afraid.  A safe place that will not let us slip and fall no matter how fast we are spinning. We can come to know it as home.

We went to a wedding last weekend where the only person we knew was the bride.  However, we met some interesting people while we were there.  We sat at a table with two other couples, one couple was in the middle of moving into a new home and the other couple had just moved here from Canada.   While I cannot recall the names of the people we met last week, I do remember how I felt sitting there laughing and sharing stories. 

Think about all the different people who pass through our lives.  There are innumerable encounters with people we will most likely never see again.  And while some might prefer not to spend time with strangers, I am always amazed at what I learn from people I don’t know. I have had some fortunate encounters and some not-so-fortunate encounters with various people in the past.  But every single one of them has allowed me to take wisdom from them.

I read somewhere that we are all just spinning on a large ball of dirt in the middle of nowhere.  It is a somewhat odd analogy, but it hit home with me for we are merely moments in time.  And all that we have are the experiences of this lifetime.  Encounters.  Relationships.  Memories.   

We forget that we are not permanent beings here.  In our hurried day-to-day existence, we focus on the demands of life.  On the next task at hand.   Forgetting that every second that passes is unique.  It cannot be rewound or redone.   And no moment can be the same as any before it.  So, we should take advantage of every single one of those seconds.

It occurs to me that we spend a lot of time on this big ball of dirt before making these kinds of realizations.  Before we understand that the practice of being present in each moment is not reserved only for those who sit contorted on mats and wear t-shirts about positivity.   Because living our lives with appreciation and gratitude is truly worthwhile.  Listening to someone prattle on at a wedding about the movers who didn’t show up is worthwhile.  Spending time with strangers is worthwhile.  Because they will surprise you with their stories and their insights.

And, because every second counts.  Every exquisite moment is just that, exquisite.  Ask the person who has just been given a month to live how precious time is.  Do we really need such a scenario to jolt us into reality?  Or, can we begin to live with purpose and intention because that is the reason we were put here, to begin with?

I refuse to look back one day and realize that I should have or could have.  I will look back and say, I did.  I will say that it was worthwhile.  And that every moment I spent on this big ball of dirt, spinning in the middle of nowhere, had purpose and direction. 

In high school, I had a friend who was great fun to be around.  She invited me to parties, we went shopping together and we hung out on weekends.  I always enjoyed spending time with her.  The problem was that she wasn’t reliable.  She would make plans and break plans.  She would propose a meeting time and then show up late or not at all, always with some excuse for why she couldn’t make it.

I had another friend who was a little more regimented.  When we got together, things had to be done at a certain time or in a certain way.  There was little spontaneity although we always had fun together.  And, I always knew that I could count on her.  She was dependable and reliable.

When I think about these two friends of mine, I am reminded of the contrast between willpower and discipline. 

Willpower is the control we need to complete a task or restrain an impulse.  I often hear people say that they wish they had enough willpower to complete a particular undertaking.  The thing about willpower is that it is often misunderstood.  Willpower comes on suddenly and then leaves again just as quickly.  It is much like a powerful wave that rises high in the ocean and then recedes.  At times it comes with great force and at other times it recedes so far out that we wonder where it went.  It is unreliable and unpredictable.  Like my first high school friend, it can be fickle. 

Willpower is not a sustaining force; however, many people rely on it.  And, when it fails, they throw their hand in the air and say, “It’s not my fault, I just don’t have the willpower.”  Here’s a clue; willpower is not your friend.  It will desert you when you need it the most.

Your true friend is discipline.  Discipline provides us with structure and rules that enable us to live more effectively.  Discipline is steady and consistent. When you have discipline, you create habits.  When you form a habit, you find that you have a routine.  And a routine is something that you do daily with little or no thought.

Like my second friend, discipline is consistent.  It is what pulls us through those times when willpower has receded.  The power of discipline always outweighs that of willpower.  And, when we rely on discipline, we never have to go search for it.  We never have to wish for more of it.  We already have it.  And we can count on it.

So how do we get started with discipline?   Very simply, discipline comes from repetition.  It comes from doing something repeatedly until it’s ingrained.  These small tasks done over time create habits.  Whether that something is writing every single day, going to the gym on a schedule, or holding yourself accountable for that thing you want to stop, start or create.

If you really want to achieve something, stop relying on willpower, and don’t be surprised when it wanes.  Instead, make discipline your friend.  Slowly and steadily create small habits over time.  The discipline of creating good habits will pay off in the long run.  Once you create a habit it will do the work for you.  Habits can make or break you.  They can lift you up or drag you down.   And habits could care less which you chose, good or bad, that part is entirely up to you.  So, focus on creating good habits that will sustain you and ultimately lead you to your end goal. 

Some of the simplest lessons we learned early in life can still be applied as we grow older. I remember learning to “Stop, Look and Listen!”  before crossing a street. The simple fact that I have been safely crossing streets my entire life is a testament to this valuable life lesson.  I have also discovered that when I reframe “Stop, Look and Listen!” into my current life, it holds true again and again.

So many of the changes that we desire in our lives seem to happen too slowly.  Or, at least that’s how it seems to work for me.  While other changes, the ones that I didn’t necessarily want, seem to happen overnight.   

However, no matter where we are in our lives, the doors to change are always open and available to us.  At times, we might believe that they do not exist.  The reality is, we rarely take the time to stop and see them.  It’s only when we stop, look and listen that we can see the doors to change in our lives. 

First, we need to focus on stopping the negative self-talk.  That’s everything we say to ourselves about how we are not good enough or smart enough.  It is telling ourselves that we are not valuable enough to perpetuate the change we desire in our lives.  The poet Hafiz once said, “The words we speak become the house we live in.”  This means that our words create our emotional home so be very careful about how you choose them.

Next, we must take a good look at ourselves and determine what kind of change we want to incorporate into our lives. When we know what we are looking for it’s easier to see the opportunities that are in front of us.     

Finally, we need to listen to our hearts.  Our hearts are wise and provide intuitive guidance.  Dare to connect with the power and intelligence of your heart.  It will awaken you to the best version of yourself if you just listen to it.

When I take the time to stop, look and listen, it means that I am allowing myself to be open to all that is transpiring around me. And, when I am open to all things, I am also open to God’s purpose and direction for my life. 

It also allows me to see the changes that have already taken place.  Even if they are subtle.  Even if they are small.  And even if I think they are not happening fast enough.   Small changes layer one on top of the other.  They build and they grow.  Like a bucket that catches a slow drip of water steadily over time, it will eventually reach the brim and overflow. 

That is where I find myself today, my bucket overflowing with good and wonderful changes.  And, the future looks a little brighter from this vantage point too.  I dare you to stop, look and listen starting today.  I guarantee you will see open doors you have never seen before. 

I awoke this morning thinking about all of the things I could have done or should have done as a mother.  All my mistakes and imperfections.  Being a mom is a tough job and there’s no way of knowing if we’re doing it right.  Inside every mother is a woman battling her own fears.  A woman questioning the decisions she has made for herself as well as for her children.  I’ve yet to meet another mom who feels like she has done everything right. 

When I was young, I dreamed of having a mother who would join the PTA, bake cookies, and stay at home.  Essentially, do what I perceived all the other moms were doing.  From my vantage point, this would also entail anything that wouldn’t draw attention.  I called it fitting in.  My mother called it conforming.  No matter what you called it, it wasn’t about to happen.

My mother was content to ride her motorcycle around town clad in her fringed leather jacket.  She held unconventional jobs like operating heavy equipment at a golf course and training horses at a nearby stable.  She absolutely refused to wear makeup and at times it seemed that she went out of her way to be different. 

Looking back now, I realize that it wasn’t just about nonconformance for her.  It was about following what made her happy.  It was about being herself.  And, about having the courage to do so regardless of what other people might think.

I am guessing that my mom has also looked back and worried about the choices she made as a mother.   No matter what kind of mother we have been, we all feel as if we could have done better.  That we may have overlooked lessons.  That we could have listened more when we were preoccupied with all the other things involved in raising a family.  I think that’s just part of being a mom.

However, when I think back about my mother, I really remember who she was as a person and the examples she set for me.  The kindness and empathy she showed.  The laughter she shared with us.  And, the true gift of being who she was without apology.  In her defiant quest to be herself, she ultimately showed me who I could be. 

I believe that one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to show them who we truly are.  To share our genuine selves as women with fears but facing them boldly.  As women who don’t have all the answers but are intent on moving forward.  Women who teach our children that it’s okay to be different.  That sometimes it’s good to stir things up.   To live with love and laughter and kindness.  And, to let them know that it’s important to do what you love and be yourself. When we let these things about ourselves shine through, they tend to rub off on those around us.

This Mother’s Day, I challenge you to let your children see the you who chases your dreams and loves yourself unconditionally.   The you who rocks the boat.  And, the you who forgives yourself for not being perfect.   I guarantee that those are the things they will look back on and remember.

I remember spending weekends with my dad when I was a child.  On a bright sunny afternoon, we would most likely end up walking to a favorite fishing spot.  Along the way, crossing through a grassy field, my father’s shadow would skew longways across the ground, dwarfing mine in comparison.  

He would usually find a place along the waterline that would provide some shade.  A large tree or maybe a concrete overpass that allowed us to find some shelter from the sun.  And, as we cast our lines into the water, he would tell me to cast into the shaded areas, where it was cooler.  “The fish will be there” he would say.  Taking refuge from the sun, just as we were.

I remember gazing across the water, mesmerized by the beautiful way the shadows and the light played off one another.  Shadow falling into light, light giving way to shadow. 

The comparison between light and dark in our lives has long been a metaphor used throughout literature, art, philosophy, and religion.  Life itself is shadow and light.  It is good and bad.  The two opposite and opposing forces cannot exist without each other.  And certainly, cannot be appreciated without the other.

The trick, it seems, is finding the balance between the light and darkness of life. 

Sometimes I find myself seeking the shadows and avoiding the light.  Knowing what is best for me and yet heading toward the darkness instead.  Hiding from the sun and keeping my fears close to me.  We all have fears.  Many of which were developed to keep us safe and help us avoid pain.  Like all other humans, I try to avoid pain at all costs.  Even if it means staying stuck in the shadows of life.

However, it is only when I face my fears that I can shine a light on them.  Exposing them for what they are.  Imposters who tell me that I am not enough.  That I need to hide in the shadows rather than shine in the light.

It’s amazing to me how closely we tuck our fears inside of us.  How they become large and looming and out of control.  And yet, something we deem so dark and terrible can be reduced so quickly when brought to the light.  These fears, when revealed, are diminished in the light. 

Maybe you have heard these words;  “The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.”  These words were spoken about Christ coming into the world. 

But I also think it speaks to the fears that we hold so tightly within us.  For if we sit in the dark with fear long enough, we start to believe that there is no light.  That there is no hope of overcoming and that we cannot escape it.  Fear multiplies and grows in the shadows.  And the only thing it craves is more shadow.

But if we can take one step forward and trust in the love of God, we can expose these fears.  Once exposed, even by just one tiny sliver of light, they are reduced.  The smallest ray can dispel them.  Immediately and fully.  And once the light has pierced the dark, the darkness cannot overcome it.  Christ is the true light that shines into our lives and dispels our fears and gives us hope.  

It’s safe to say that I spend a fair amount of time jotting down ideas and chasing words.  There are so many of them to wrangle together and capture on paper.  The problem I find is that many times the words I chase seem to have a life of their own.  They run away from me and I must hunt them down and force them to convey my thoughts and feelings.  They are like stubborn children, refusing to do as they are told, only becoming more willful against me when I become angry with them.

However, if I can take a moment to pause and quiet all that is around me, I find that my words meander down a path where I am no longer the leader but the follower.  They take me to the hidden places in my heart and mind and soul.  Places that I might typically keep behind a locked door.  These words, however, like small crickets in the night slip under and around the barricades.  They steal in, chirping their wings, and lead me forth.  And I follow them.  If I am lucky enough, I get to follow them.  And that is the best time of all with my words. 

When I am lucky enough to follow, it means that I am allowing the words to come to me rather than chase them down.  When I take the time to quiet my mind, listen to my heart and sit in the stillness, I discover that my words speak more eloquently than I ever could.  They find meaning and purpose when I let them come from the space I have created around me.  When they are handed to me like an exquisite gift that I am fortunate enough to unwrap.  And that ability to follow makes all the difference in the world. 

Knowing when to lead and when to follow can be difficult.  When to stop forcing something and start allowing instead.  Especially when following can be viewed as subservient in a world where everyone wants to be the leader.  To be able to follow, we must first be able to conceive that we may not have all the answers and that we are not perfect. If we can do that, however, we can allow God’s grace to flow into our lives.

God gives us many opportunities to follow Him.  To connect with Him.  If you don’t believe me, just step outside. I see Him everywhere I go.  He paints the sky for me each morning.  He sends refreshing rains to renew the Earth and lift my soul. On a warm summer evening, He whispers a soft goodnight on the breeze.

During these times of quiet solitude, I can connect and listen and know that God is speaking to me and through me.  And, that His words will always be more beautiful and more heartfelt than mine could ever be.  And I am grateful that I get to follow every single one of them. 

I will be the first to admit that I am a highly sensitive person.  Throughout my life, I’ve been oversensitive to all manner of things.  Various scents can adversely affect me.  I can easily taste differences in foods.  I am likely to be overcome by the moods of others and I can become overwhelmed with emotion just by listening to music.

Even a simple family movie night could be a disastrous event for me if the movie happened to feature a dog that dies, a mother who loses weight, or even a cartoon lion who loses his father.  Any of these types of situations could push me over the edge and cause me to cry.  And, no amount of biting my cheek, looking up at the ceiling, or checking my phone for messages could stop the tears that I knew were coming.  Ultimately, this would lead to my family asking me why I was so upset.   And for this, I do not have an answer. 

I don’t know why I’m such a sensitive person.  I don’t know why I will react as strongly to something poignant as I will to something as simple as a cell phone commercial.  But, I have come to believe that my heart was created with an extra-large capacity to feel.  That it is full to the brim and, therefore, it is prone to overflow.  It overflows at weddings.  And funerals.  At times of great excitement and at times of quiet solitude.

The interesting thing is this, I have spoken to my heart about these matters on many occasions.   I have cautioned my heart that it is too caring.  That it is entirely too sensitive to the feelings of those around us.    I have struggled with this my entire life and my heart and I have argued at great length about what is appropriate behavior in public, in church, and at work.  And, we have never agreed upon the matter. 

My heart thinks that it is fine to express itself at any time and in any place. Personally, I believe there are times and places for expressing one’s feelings.  In these struggles with my heart, however, I often find that I am on the losing end of the battle.  I have willed myself against my heart on countless occasions and yet it does as it pleases anyway. 

So, today I am calling a truce with my heart.  Today I am giving it free rein to do as it pleases.  To cry at all AT&T commercials and to well up and spill over at the slightest inclination.  I am a little nervous at the prospect of not controlling my emotions, however, since I have never been able to control them anyway, what have I got to lose?  

Maybe letting go and not trying to control the uncontrollable is exactly what I need to.  Maybe there is a reason for my supersensitivity.  Maybe I am supposed to be this way in a world that instructs us to keep our emotions under check.  To not get involved and to look the other way.

Maybe it’s up to people like me to show everyone that it’s okay to feel things.  That it’s far better to experience joy, excitement, love, and even things like sadness and regret, even if I must wear these emotions boldly on my sleeve.  That feeling and expression are a part of life.  

I am also giving up thinking that there is something wrong with me.  That I need to shake the connotation of weakness surrounding my inability to stop the flow of tears when I see injustice and hurt in the world.  It’s time to stop trying so hard to hide who I am and realize that I was created this way for a reason.  To view my ability to deeply empathize with others as a gift.

So, if the next time you see me, and my eyes are a little red, don’t be afraid to ask me if I have been crying.  The answer will probably be yes.  Don’t bother to ask me why, as I most likely will not have an answer for you.  Just know that I am one of those sensitive people whose heart often spills over.  That I am one of those people created strong enough to connect with the feelings of those around me and brave enough to show it.

I got my first easy bake oven when I was 8 years old and I was hooked.   I loved to bake and make my own creations.  In my early days, I flubbed a few recipes.   And I learned quickly that one missing ingredient, no matter how simple, could ruin an entire dish.  I also learned that if you had a good recipe, people would ask for it so they could make it themselves. 

I started to wonder, what if we had a recipe for happiness?  A tried-and-true recipe that worked every time you used it.  Wouldn’t a recipe like that be valuable?  Wouldn’t you ask for a copy of it so that you could go home and make it for yourself?

I believe there is a recipe for happiness.  And I don’t think it’s all that complicated.  The ingredients may vary from person to person; however, I believe that there is a main ingredient that cannot be substituted or omitted.

Just as a cake missing a main ingredient will collapse in the oven.  So too our world will collapse around us when we are missing the main component for happiness.  It is so simple, so easy, that it is often overlooked. 

What is this one magical element in our recipe for happiness?  It’s love.  It’s the missing ingredient in our schools, in our workplaces, on our city streets, and in our country.  Plain and simple, we have forgotten how to love one another.

Jesus left us with a simple command.  Love God and love our neighbors as ourselves. For me, the loving God part is easier.  It is only by loving God that we truly learn how to love.  God is the foundation of love. 

The second part; loving our neighbors as ourselves, is a little harder.  I interpret this to mean that we should treat ourselves with love and extend that love to our neighbors. 

Do you suppose that we have forgotten that love starts with us first?  That we must fill ourselves with love before we have the ability to give love away?  That if our love “gas tank” is sitting on empty we are going to run out of the fuel it takes to show compassion and forgiveness, to be considerate, and meet the needs of our neighbors?

I believe this is a crucial piece of the puzzle, otherwise, Jesus command could have simply stopped at “love your neighbors”.  But it didn’t. 

Loving our neighbors as ourselves is not always easy. But it begins with filling ourselves with love. We were created with a great capacity for love. So that it seeps into the marrow of our bones.  So that it overflows our hearts to the very rims of our souls.  So that when we are tipped over it spills out of us in a steady, unrestrained stream.  That is the magnitude we have for love. 

Let’s focus on filling ourselves with love.  Because we can’t give away what we don’t have.